So much has happened from my last extreme vent of a post and this one could easily put that one to shame when considering that certain someone who has clearly caused me a great deal of sorrow. Its funny when you look back on your writing and see things like that. That was a hurt powerful moment that putting it out into the world seemed and was very important. Reading it back today actually helped and re reminded me how I am goin gto be so much better off. This person did everything I said and more in ten fold and If only I had remembered how I had felt that night maybe I wouldnt have let it get to where it had gotten. But like I had said sadly im too weak and the only way I have been able to remove this person from my life is actually on their own account and nothing to do with me. That is correct. They went to rehab! Now granted what you think about rehab you generally think of someone with a serious addiction but as he put it it is more related to the psychological issues he was having that made him abuse substances. Though I know from having growing up with someone who abused the shit out of uppers and downers you can't say that your not right in the head because your always coming down or going up. This person is probably one of the selfish laziest and fickle persons I have ever met and I don't understand why I want them to love me. The whole reason I stoppped sleeping with them is because they decided that they did really care about me. cared about me too much to do something that they didnt care enough about. wow. I must be really bad in bed ...oh here i go again putting myself down. Im not bad I made it all about them all the time. Here is a note if the person you are sleeping with never goes down on you regardless of if you want them to or not but if you are always doing it to them and they never do it back I think that is a clear indication that they are not really attracted to you. As i had talked about before the little things.. well this is one of them. another. Always being available for them and them never being available for you. I was diluted thinking that this person was really into me because they were making time for me 5 days a week but suddenly when they started pulling back and I was trying to continue this stream I was neglected and shit apon. They couldnt see me or anyone, they say, but then later called someone else and showed up on their door step with a bottle of wine. Their best friend yes..okay I get. However when all i was asking for was a moment and it poisoned this person to even think about having to see me at this time of distress(they did just enter rehab). It is one of things. I was hurt and confused because I had been there so much when ever they needed. text me at 530 am because you cant sleep come over. hunry at 6 am ill cook you a deluxe meal. send you ridiculous packages from BC gifts and gifts of humour-able thoughtful ness and well after all is said and done. my Bday was last week and I got a happy bday but not even a card or extra special hug or words of true thoughtfulness. yet he says he cares so much i am one of his good friends wow. i was treating them like my best friend. im so emotionally and mentally slash physically exhausted from this person that I think our friendship is over and what is even more disturbing about what I am about to say is.....It will be over because this person doesnt care enough to care if it was or not and I simply dont have the energy. This has been the hardest 6 months of my life and the worst thing about it is I feel like I have nothing to show for it.
well thats not entirely true i have made some amazing friends through this person, and also I think I have learned a lesson about what not to do though it has and is taking longer then one would hope. I feel bad though about the number of things and people i put off because of this person and like I sad before they never would have done the same for me and I think that is what hurts more than anything. the last words on this topic is a poem I wrote.
pretty much sums up this ridiculously long entry.
also can i just mention I hate how he has doodled on so many pages of my notebook. help me forget and forgive but not give them anything more. the time now is to move on and live my life for me. I am in my skin alone all the time with or without others and I have to live with the choices and decisions i make. Please do the things that will not lead to so many hours of painful regret and sorrow. I long to sit in a room alone and still be smiling. That day is coming.
here is my poem:
WORLD IS SO DARK
MY LOVE IS INVISIBLE.
DOESN'T MATTER IF I FEEL WARM BESIDE YOU,
YOUR HEART IS STILL COLD AND UNGIVING.
MY TEARS STING AS THEY RUN DOWN MY CHEEKS,
I WISH I COULD MELT AWAY WITH THEM.
INTO A FORGIVING NEW WORLD,
ONE WHERE PEOPLE ONLY DO AND SAY THE THINGS THEY MEAN.
INSTEAD, IM STUCK HERE-
STARRING AT YOU,
STARRING INTO A BLACK-HOLE.
MY ENERGY IS NOT FREE,
BUT YOU TAKE IT ANYWAY.
IM LEFT KNOWING THAT,
AND STILL, I GIVE IT TO.
okay though on another note all the other people in my life are really pulling through and things are not as bad as they seem. Im just dealing with them in the only way i know how to. I had an amazing bday and thanksgiving and if I can just stop feeling sorry for myself which I have started to do. Good things wil start to happen for me. They already have xx
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