Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Hear I am days later from my somber words and disillusioned view on relationships with someone and angst to my life etc....and All of a sudden blah blah. I am on top on my game. I am positive, light headed, extremely optimistic and kinda super into where things seem to be going right now. How do you ride a wave that is getting so high and keep on it long enough to have effects that will last. I don't want to fall of this board and drown again. I told my friend yesterday that I have a crush on myself. HA pretty ridiculous yes but it has really been a long while that I have been feeling this good about the opportunities and possibilities that have just recently been unfolding and presenting themselves to me. I seeing that I actually have things going for me and when you are clear headed, meaning sober and not depressed or feeling sorry for yourself, good things might actually start to happen. Im less concerned with relationships and more concerned with the organic flow of how friends and personal time can integrate in to my life on a balanced level. If people want to be apart of my life because of who I am then its a lot less stressful to try an make a friendship happen. Thses friends actually care what I have to say and think I have something going for my self and well, How Im feeling now they migh just be right. One of the most exciting things that has presented itself to me is a extremely lovely and talented friend has asked me to start a band with them. Something I have wanted for so long but as a sneaky little unrealistic dream that only my shampoo bottles could appreciate. Me in in the shower, singing Disney songs at the top of my lungs. No encores were ever asked for. But the acoustics in a shower!!!

Anyways I am uber excited and flattered that this person thinks Im going to bring a significant amount of creative charisma to his team and Im almost in a state of ecstasy crazed excitement with this and the other this and thats that have me looking forward to life again.

Plus my BFF just came to visit and this cherry tops the whole thing.

This is something funny and sad and human though that is popping into me head. This person that I feel made me lose my self worth, goals, or at least I was just focusing all my energy on them and so there was none left for me which inturn was making me my own worst enemy. Anyways so there gone and Im am doing better than I have in so long and I cant help but think am I really going to not have this person in my life again.....I mean friends/lovers should bring out the best in you and motivate you to be better and since he was the culprit to all my self demise is it a good idea to secretly hope we can be good friends again after the horrible states my relationship with him caused me to be in?? I guess only time and the wave of excitement I am riding on will tell. One thing is for sure I truly hope I can continue to flourish in my own path and only when I really do have my own things going for me should I ever consider to love again.

My wet blanket is drying! Thank G!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

over a month!

Its BEEEEEENNNNN forever since ive written on this tiny space the amount of GB im taking up on the interwebs is pretty much non existance and the twom followers I had well I cant imagine that they are goign to read this. I even had a hard time finding my lil blog here. I couldnt remember what it was called until I looked up at my bookmark bar and luckily I had ME like that on it and here I am.

So much has happened from my last extreme vent of a post and this one could easily put that one to shame when considering that certain someone who has clearly caused me a great deal of sorrow. Its funny when you look back on your writing and see things like that. That was a hurt powerful moment that putting it out into the world seemed and was very important. Reading it back today actually helped and re reminded me how I am goin gto be so much better off. This person did everything I said and more in ten fold and If only I had remembered how I had felt that night maybe I wouldnt have let it get to where it had gotten. But like I had said sadly im too weak and the only way I have been able to remove this person from my life is actually on their own account and nothing to do with me. That is correct. They went to rehab! Now granted what you think about rehab you generally think of someone with a serious addiction but as he put it it is more related to the psychological issues he was having that made him abuse substances. Though I know from having growing up with someone who abused the shit out of uppers and downers you can't say that your not right in the head because your always coming down or going up. This person is probably one of the selfish laziest and fickle persons I have ever met and I don't understand why I want them to love me. The whole reason I stoppped sleeping with them is because they decided that they did really care about me. cared about me too much to do something that they didnt care enough about. wow. I must be really bad in bed ...oh here i go again putting myself down. Im not bad I made it all about them all the time. Here is a note if the person you are sleeping with never goes down on you regardless of if you want them to or not but if you are always doing it to them and they never do it back I think that is a clear indication that they are not really attracted to you. As i had talked about before the little things.. well this is one of them. another. Always being available for them and them never being available for you. I was diluted thinking that this person was really into me because they were making time for me 5 days a week but suddenly when they started pulling back and I was trying to continue this stream I was neglected and shit apon. They couldnt see me or anyone, they say, but then later called someone else and showed up on their door step with a bottle of wine. Their best friend yes..okay I get. However when all i was asking for was a moment and it poisoned this person to even think about having to see me at this time of distress(they did just enter rehab). It is one of things. I was hurt and confused because I had been there so much when ever they needed. text me at 530 am because you cant sleep come over. hunry at 6 am ill cook you a deluxe meal. send you ridiculous packages from BC gifts and gifts of humour-able thoughtful ness and well after all is said and done. my Bday was last week and I got a happy bday but not even a card or extra special hug or words of true thoughtfulness. yet he says he cares so much i am one of his good friends wow. i was treating them like my best friend. im so emotionally and mentally slash physically exhausted from this person that I think our friendship is over and what is even more disturbing about what I am about to say is.....It will be over because this person doesnt care enough to care if it was or not and I simply dont have the energy. This has been the hardest 6 months of my life and the worst thing about it is I feel like I have nothing to show for it.

well thats not entirely true i have made some amazing friends through this person, and also I think I have learned a lesson about what not to do though it has and is taking longer then one would hope. I feel bad though about the number of things and people i put off because of this person and like I sad before they never would have done the same for me and I think that is what hurts more than anything. the last words on this topic is a poem I wrote.

pretty much sums up this ridiculously long entry.
also can i just mention I hate how he has doodled on so many pages of my notebook. help me forget and forgive but not give them anything more. the time now is to move on and live my life for me. I am in my skin alone all the time with or without others and I have to live with the choices and decisions i make. Please do the things that will not lead to so many hours of painful regret and sorrow. I long to sit in a room alone and still be smiling. That day is coming.

here is my poem:


okay though on another note all the other people in my life are really pulling through and things are not as bad as they seem. Im just dealing with them in the only way i know how to. I had an amazing bday and thanksgiving and if I can just stop feeling sorry for myself which I have started to do. Good things wil start to happen for me. They already have xx

Sunday, August 8, 2010

oh the little tings....

udder frustration and confusion has taken over all of a sudden and all i want to do is everything i am not suppose to. one thing is copy and pasting dozens of things for my teacher who seems to be alright with me skipping school to do his work and also not thinking that I have any other things of my own going on because he is so blind sited by his own personal project that i said i wanted to help with. I think its great that he seems to be a bit like a slave driver, he expects a lot and that's a good learning experience for me but at the same time i cant help but feel like i'm being walked all over. I mean i'm not getting paid and if i hadn't agreed to do this when was he going to find the time to get it done. i'm having it done in a week and its taking up at least 15 hours of my time but who cares and who is counting all i know is im doing this instead of school and working out. but this is just a minor frustration and im sorta happy to be doing it but its taking forever and now im wasting time so i can vent! I also want to not attend a particular event that is happening tonight because a certain so and so is expecting me to be there just as they expect me to be available for what ever and when ever they want. Little details that people tell you that you most often forget or even think to think or consider but it is always the little things that count and with this person there is never any miniscule surprises sent my way, i watch as they dit and dat to all their other friends so I know this person is very capable at caring but why bother putting in those little details to someone that respects you more than they should. You have to try to put them down some how and by acting like you barely consider their existence to be important is a great way to do this because then when all of a sudden this person wants something from you all they have to do is walk you home and bam their in. in so many ways there in and you have their undivided attention for what 3 hours plus a cuddle maybe.....then its the next day and they go back to negligence because they think oh SHIT, ive given her too much and she can't think that this means I actually care about her, I FEEL LIKE IT MUST BE HARD WORK TO PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT SOMEONE SOMETIMES BUT THIS BRINGS ME BACK TO THE LITTLE THINGS I MEAN. EVEN IN MY 3 HOURS WITH THIS PERSON WHEN THEY ARE GIVING ME ATTENTION THERE IS STILL NO LITTLE THINGS IT IS NOT ABOUT ME BY ANY MEANS ITS ABOUT THEM, YES I AM THERE BUT THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE STARING AT THEIR OWN FUCKING REFLECTION. and they think its not obvious, well im not stupid im just hopeless and retarded.

anyways i go to this thing they expect or i don't go and confusion implodes to bad im too weak.

well back to work.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

well hello there.

In the name of girl power. this hot little number runs a colony like ants and bee's there is one queen that gets all the ass in the world she wants while all her male minions dig tunnels and bring her food. who says you have to be beautiful to be worshipped and waited on hand and foot.

tid bit

girls have more chores and get less time to play. can you believe that! parents let your girls play more.